 |
 | |
|
|
|
F Failures - Futurist Art
Failures
FAILURES BROWN--"Back to town again? I thought you were a farmer." GREEN--"You made the same mistake I did."--_Judge_. There are people who fail because they are afraid to make a beginning. Who are too honest to steal, but will borrow and never pay back. Who go to bed tired because they spend the day in looking for an easy place. Who can play a tune on one string, but it never makes anybody want to dance. Who would like to reform the world, but have a front gate that won't stay shut. Who cannot tell what they think about anything until they see what the papers have to say about it. A first failure is often a blessing.--_A. L. Brown_. To fail at all is to fail utterly.--_Lowell_. He only is exempt from failures who makes no efforts.--_Whately_.
FAME After an absence of four years a certain man went back to visit his old home town. The first four people he met didn't remember him and the next three didn't know he had been away. "That antagonist of yours says he is going to leave footprints in the sands of time." "He won't," replied Senator Sorghum. "His mind is in the clouds. He is an intellectual aviator. When he comes down he will leave a dent, not a footprint." Nor fame I slight, nor for her favors call: She comes unlooked for, if she comes at all. --_Pope_. For what is fame, but the benignant strength of one, transformed to joy of many?--_George Eliot_. Fame is the fragrance of heroic deeds.--_Longfellow_.
FAMILIES A Kansas man is reported to be the father of thirty-two children. It is not known whether he will apply for admission to the League of Nations or just let America represent him for the present.--_Punch (London)_. A census-taker was working in lower New York on the East Side, and came to a tenement that was literally crowded with children. To the woman who was bending over the washtub he said: "Madam, I am the census-taker; how many children have you?" "Well, lemme see," replied the woman, as she straightened up and wiped her hands on her apron. "There's Mary and Ellen and Delia and Susie and Emma and Tommy and Albert and Eddie and Charlie and Frank and--" "Madam," interrupted the census man, "if you could just give me the number--" "Number!" she exclaimed, indignantly. "I want you to understand that we ain't got to numberin' 'em yet. We ain't run out o' names!" The census man when taking the census in a certain Canadian town asked of the head of the family the usual questions, one being, "How many children have you?" The man answered, "Oh, I don't know, ten, twelve, fourteen or so. I know a barrel of flour lasts pretty damn quick." _See also_ Bluffing.
FARMING "It used to be said that anybody could farm--that about all that was required was a strong back and a weak mind," mused the gaunt Missourian. "But now'-days, to be a successful farmer a feller must have a good head and a wide education in order to understand the advice ladled out to him from all sides by city men and to select for use that which will do him the least damage." PROFESSOR AT AGRICULTURAL SCHOOL--"What kinds of farming are there?" NEW STUDENT--"Extensive, intensive, and pretensive."
They were having an argument as to whether it was correct to say of a hen she is "setting" or "sitting," and, not being able to arrive at a satisfactory conclusion, they decided to submit the problem to Farmer Giles. "My friends," said he, "that don't interest me at all. What I wants to know when I hear a hen cackle is whether she be laying or lying." "How many head o' live stock you got on the place?" "Live stock?" echoed the somewhat puzzled farmer. "What d' ye mean by live stock? I got four steam-tractors and sevenautomobiles."--_Judge_. The city youth secured a job with Farmer Jones. The morning after his arrival, promptly at 4 o'clock, the farmer rapped on his door and told him to get up. The youth protested. "What for?" he asked, rubbing his eyes. "Why, we're going to cut oats," replied the farmer. "Are they wild oats," queried the youth, "that you've got to sneak up on 'em in the dark?" "Aren't you afraid America will become isolated?" "Not if us farmers keep raisin' things the world needs," answered Farmer Corntossel, "The feller that rings the dinner-bell never runs much risk of bein' lonesome." "How'd that city hired man of yours pan out?" "Well, he started in Monday morning plowing corn. At 10 o'clock he struck for a helper to lift the gangs out at the ends, and I sent the kid out to do that. At noon he struck for two pieces of strawberry shortcake instead of one, so I gave him my piece. At 1:15 he struck for a sunshade on the corn plow. I says, 'Young man, this job is just like a baseball game. Three strikes and you're out, Good-bye.'" A rather patronizing individual from town was observing with considerable interest the operations of a farmer with whom he had put up for a while. As he watched the old man sow the seed in his field the man from the city called out facetiously: "Well done, old chap. You sow; I reap the fruits." Whereupon the farmer grinned and replied: "Maybe you will. I am sowing hemp." _See also_ Failures.
FASHION "Isn't your wife dogmatic?" "She was when Pomeranian pups were the style, but now she's auto-matic." The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.--_Shakespeare_. "Women have queer ways." "How now?" "The styles call for mannish hats. So my wife bought a mannish hat for eighteen dollars." "Well?" "She could have bought a man's hat for four dollars." Women's fashions seem to be working around to the point where the voice with the smile will have to be listed among the latest spring styles. The intrepid general was rallying her wavering female troops. "Women," she cried, "will you give way to mannish fears?" A muffled murmur of indecision ran through the ranks. "Shall it be said we are clothed in male armor?" shrieked the general. The murmur became a mumble. "Will you," fiercely demanded the general, "show the white feather in a season when feathers are not worn?" The effect was electrical. "Never!" roared the soldiers. And, forming into battle array, they once more hurled themselves upon the enemy. "You criticize us," said the Chinese visitor, "yet I see all your women have their feet bandaged." "That is an epidemic," it was explained to him, gently, "which broke out in 1914. Those are called spats." Little Tommy at the "movies" saw a tribe of Indians painting their faces, and asked his mother the significance of this. "Indians," his mother answered, "always paint their faces before going on the war-path--before scalping and tomahawking and murdering." The next evening after dinner, as the mother entertained in the parlor her daughter's young man, Tommy rushed downstairs, wide-eyed with fright. "Come on, mother!" he cried. "Let's get out of this quick! Sister is going on the war-path!" Mrs. Will Irwin said at a Washington Square tea: "The more immodest fashions would disappear if men would resolutely oppose them. "I know a woman whose dressmaker sent home the other day a skirt that was, really, too short altogether. The woman put it on. It was becoming enough, dear knows, but it made her feel ashamed. She entered the library, and her husband looked up from his work with a dark frown. "'I wonder,' she said, with an embarrassed laugh, 'if these ultra-short skirts will ever go out?' "'They'll never go out with me,' he answered in decided tones." Those reform preachers who designed the moral gown for women did a good job. Now to design a woman who will wear it. FAIR CUSTOMER (to salesman displaying modern bathing suit)--"And you're sure this bathing suit won't shrink?" SALESMAN--"No, miss; it has nowhere to shrink to." POLICEMAN--"Lost yer mammy, 'ave yer? Why didn't yer keep hold of her skirt?" LITTLE ALFRED--"I cou--cou--couldn't reach it." When ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed that "they began too late and ended too soon." FAIR CUSTOMER--"I'd like to try on that one over there." SALESMAN--"I'm sorry, madam, but that is the lampshade." The Fifth Avenue Bus having stopped, the lady at the top of the stairs was slow in descending. "Come on down, lady," said the conductor in a bored tone, "legs ain't no treat to me."
| ||
Home After Dinner Speeches Holiday Speeches Lincolns Yarns and Stories One-Liners |
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
Home Audiobooks After Dinner Speeches Holiday Speeches Lincolns Yarns and Stories One-Liners Age One-Liners Other Products Add Your Link Contact Us Privacy Statement Public Speaking Links | |
 |
 |