27. FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT

[Fishing for compliments is sometimes dangerous.]

A well-known Congressman, who was a farmer before he went into politics, was doing his district not long ago, and in his rambles he saw a man in a stumpy patch of ground trying to get a plow through it. He went over to him, and after a brief salutation he asked the privilege of making a turn or two with the plow. The native shook his head doubtfully as he looked at his visitor's store clothes and general air of gentleman of elegant leisure, but he let him take the plow. The Congressman sailed away with it in fine style, and plowed four or five furrows before the owner of the field could recover his surprise. Then he pulled up and handed the handles over to the original holder.

"By gravy, mister," said the farmer, admiringly, "air you in the aggercultural business?"

"No," laughed the statesman.

"Y'ain't selling plows?"

"No."

"Then what in thunder air you?"

"I'm the member of Congress from this district."

"Air you the man I voted for and that I've been reading about in the papers doin' legislatin' and sich in Washington?"

"Yes."

"Well, by hokey, mister," said the farmer, as he looked with admiration over the recently-plowed furrows, "ef I'd a had any idea that I was votin' fer a waste of sich good farmin' material I'd voted fer the other candidate as shore as shootin'."

28. BEYOND EXPRESSION

[When called on for a speech one may answer the chairman in the words of this lady:]

She was in her room when some people came to call. Her husband received the company, and after awhile said to his daughter, who was playing about the room:

"Go up-stairs and tell your mamma that Mr. and Mrs. Blank have come to call."

The child went, and after a while returned and began to play again.

"Did you tell your mamma that Mr. and Mrs. Blank are here?" asked the father.

"Oh! yes."

"And what did she say?"

The little girl looked up, and after a moment's hesitation, exclaimed:

"She said--well, she said, 'O dear!'"

29. THE TOAST OF THE EVENING

[The comment upon this incident by the editor is not less amusing than the speech.]

It is not always a pleasant thing to be called upon suddenly to address a public meeting of any sort, as is amusingly illustrated by the following speech at the opening of a free hospital by one who was certainly not born an orator:

"Gentlemen--ahem--I--I--I rise to say--that is, I wish to propose a toast, which I think you'll all say--ahem--I think, at least, that this toast is, as you'll say, the toast of the occasion. Gentlemen, I belong to a good many of these things, and I say, gentlemen, that this hospital requires no patronage--at least, what I mean is, you don't want any recommendation. You've only got to be ill--got to be ill."

"Now, gentlemen, I find by the report" (turning over the leaves in a fidgety way) "that from the year seventeen--no eighteen--no, ah, yes, I'm right--eighteen hundred and fifty--no, it's a '3'--thirty-six--eighteen hundred and thirty-six, no less than one hundred and ninety-three millions--no! ah!" (to a committeeman at his side) "Eh? oh, yes, thank you--yes--one hundred and ninety-three thousand--two millions--no" (after a close scrutiny at the report) "two hundred and thirty-one--one hundred and ninety-three thousand, two hundred and thirty-one! Gentlemen, I beg to propose--success to this admirable institution!"

To what the large and variously stated figures referred no one in the audience ever felt positive, but all agreed, as he had said they would, that this was the toast of the evening.

30. BEE LINE

[He knew how to escape from more than one kind of fire.]

A soldier on guard in South Carolina during the war was questioned as to his knowledge of his duties.

"You know your duty here, do you, sentinel?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, now, suppose they should open on you with shells and musketry, what would you do?"

"Form a line, sir."

"What! one man form a line?"

"Yes, sir; form a bee-line for camp, sir."

31. VENTRILOQUISM

["Take the good the Gods provide."]

At Raglan Castle, said Mr. Ganthony, the ventriloquist, I gave an entertainment in the open air, and throwing my voice up into the ivy-covered ruins, said: "What are you doing there?"

To my amazement a boy answered: "I climbed up 'ere this mornin' just to see the folk and 'ear the music; I won't do no harm."

I replied: "Very well, stay there, and don't let any one see you, do you hear?"

The reply came: "Yes, muster, I 'ear."

This got me thunders of applause. I made up my mind to risk it, so I bowed, and the boy never showed himself.

32. A SLIGHT MISTAKE

[Orders should be strictly obeyed.]

A celebrated German physician, according to a London paper, was once called upon to treat an aristocratic lady, the sole cause of whose complaint was high living and lack of exercise. But it would never have done to tell her so. So his medical advice was:

"Arise at five o clock, take a walk in the park for one hour, then drink a cup of tea, then walk another hour, and take a cup of chocolate. Take breakfast at eight."

Her condition improved visibly, until one fine morning the carriage of the baroness was seen to approach the physician's residence at lightning speed. The patient dashed up to the doctor's house, and on his appearing on the scene she gasped out:

"O doctor! I took the chocolate first!"

"Then drive home as fast as you can," directed the astute disciple of Asculapius, rapidly writing a prescription, "and take this emetic. The tea must be underneath."

The grateful patient complied. She is still improving.

33. PRESENCE OF MIND

[A fine story to illustrate the value (money value) of presence of mind.]

A witty person whom Bismarck was commissioned by the Emperor to decorate with the Iron Cross of the first class, discomfited the Chancellor's attempt to chaff him. "I am authorized," said Bismarck, "to offer you one hundred thalers instead of the cross." "How much is the cross worth?" asked the soldier. "Three thalers." "Very well, then, your highness, I'll take the cross and ninety-seven thalers." Bismarck was so surprised and pleased by the ready shrewdness of the reply that he gave the man both the cross and the money.