J Jews - Justice

Jews
Jokes
Journalism
Judges
Judgment
Jury
Justice

JEWS

Pat, answering questions in applying for a job as keeper of the pound, came to the query, "What are rabies and what would you do for them?"

He replied, "Rabies is Jew priests and I wouldn't do a damn thing for them."

Israel Paletzky sold and delivered fresh eggs to a near-by soda dispenser. One day he brought in two dozen eggs in response to an order. Upon counting them, the proprietor of the soda fountain discovered there was an extra egg and offered it back to the aged Jew.

"Oh, dot's all right!" said old Israel. "Neffer mind for chust von egg."

"Well, Izzy, have a drink then."

"All right. I take it a malted milk mit egg."

To the great God Buddha came the representatives of the Catholic, Protestant, and Jewish religions, to pay him homage. Buddha, very flattered, told each of them that if they would express a wish, it would be fulfilled.

"What do you wish?" he asked the Catholic.

The answer was "Glory."

"You shall have it," said Buddha, and turning to the Protestant, "What do you wish?"

"Money."

"You shall have it."

"And you?" This to the Jew.

"I do not want much," quoth he; "give me the Protestant's address!"

Father Duffy is credited by the New York World with this after-dinner story:

"An old sexton asked me, 'Father, weren't the Apostles Jews?' I said they were. Puzzled, he demanded: 'Then how the deuce did the Jews let go of a good thing like the Catholic Church and let the Eytalians grab it?'"--_The Outlook_.

In the latest number of the Unpartizan Review Henry Holt tells the following anecdote as used by John Hay:

"Two Jews," he said, "were rescued from a raft by a Cunarder. Both were pretty well used up, when one saw the vessel and murmured, 'A sail, a sail!' The other who was stretched on the raft revived long enough to exclaim, 'Mein Gott! I haf no gatalog!'"

JOKES

_Life of a Joke_

1--Appears in LIFE.

2--Copied in newspaper.

3--Used in almanac.

4--Filler on theater program.

5--Furnishes a laugh in vaudeville.

6--After-dinner speaker tells it.

7--Translated in foreign papers.

8--Retranslated back. Goes rounds of American papers once more.

9--Sent to LIFE as original.--_Life_.

"Pop, what do we mean by a good listener?"

"A good listener, my son, is a man to whom it is possible to tell a funny story without reminding him of one of his own."

JUDGE--"You are charged with profanity."

PRISONER--"How can that be, your honor, when I was arrested for getting rid of it?"

JUDGE--"Ten days for swearing. Thirty days for that joke."

POST--"Scribbler says if you can judge of the future by the past, his work will live for thousands of years."

PARKER--"Let's see. Just what does Scribbler write?"

POST--"Jokes."

MRS. LESSNER--"Do you think it's true that poor Lydia hasn't smiled since her marriage?"

MRS. SHORTWELL--"I think it's very likely. You know her husband is a professional humorist."

The good die young was never said of a joke.

Why are jokes preceded by the so-called title, which is virtually the conclusion, or what Twain termed the "nub"? The understanding of it implies the reading of the joke first, and yet it is hung at the very beginning in heavy type, demanding immediate attention. The reader learns rapidly, however, and will not be fooled. Nine times out of ten he will skip the title, complete the article, and then, from habit, unconsciously glance back for the grin in the title, Where the Point Lies.

It was a portly but very polite person who sat next to Jones in a railway station. "Pardon me," said he to Jones, "but what would you say if I sat on your hat?" "Suppose you sit on it and then ask me," sarcastically suggested Jones. "I did," said the portly person, imperturbably.--_Judge_.

"It must be gratifying to see your jokes copied everywhere."

"What gratifies me most," said the professional humorist, "is that somebody is willing to buy 'em in the first place."

William George Jordan, the educator and writer, uses a crutch. One day, after he had negotiated several blocks, he paused to mop his brow. While mopping with one hand he held his hat in the other and a kindhearted but near-sighted passerby dropped a coin in the hat. "Hey!" said Jordan, "it's legs I want--not alms."

             _Old Fashioned Fun_

  When that old joke was new,     It was not hard to joke,   And puns we now pooh-pooh,     Great laughter would provoke.

  True wit was seldom heard,     And humor shown by few,   When reign'd King George the Third,     And that old joke was new.

  It passed indeed for wit,     Did this achievement rare,   When down your friend would sit,     To steal away his chair.

  You brought him to the floor,     You bruised him black and blue,   And this would cause a roar,     When your old joke was new.

  --_W.M. Thackeray_.

JOURNALISM

"I represent The Daily Scoop, At what time did his lordship die?"

"His Lordship is not yet dead."

"Oh, isn't he? Well, then I'll wait."

FIRST WAR-CORRESPONDENT--"Did your dispatch get past the censor?"

SECOND WAR-CORRESPONDENT--"Only the part that wasn't true."

"Well, isn't that all your paper wants?"--Life.

"Getting out a daily column is no picnic," confesses a daily getter-out in the Niles Sun-Star. "If we print jokes, folks say we are silly--if we don't, they say we are too serious. If we publish original matter, they say we lack variety; if we publish things from other papers, they say we are too lazy to write. If we stay in the office, we ought to be out rustling news; if we rustle for news, we are not attending to business in the office. If we wear old clothes, we are insolvents; if we wear new clothes, they are not paid for. What in thunder is a poor editor to do anyhow? Like as not someone will say we swiped this from an exchange. We did."

_See also_ Newspapers.

JUDGES

Judge Ben B. Lindsey of Denver, was lunching one day--it was a very hot day--when a politician paused beside his table "Judge," said he, "I see you're drinking coffee. That's a heating drink. In this weather you want to drink iced drinks, Judge--sharp iced drinks. Did you ever try gin and ginger ale?"

"No," said the Judge, smiling, "but I have tried several fellows who have."

Unfortunately we've mislaid the judge's name, but his courtroom is in New Bedford, Mass. Before him appeared a defendant who, hoping for leniency, pleaded, "Judge, I'm down and out."

Whereupon said the wise Judge:

"You're down, but you're not out. Six months."

The late Gilman Marston, of New Hampshire, was arguing a complicated case, and looked up authorities back to Julius Caesar. At the end of an hour and a half, in the most intricate part of his plea, he was pained to see what looked like inattention. It was as he had feared. The judge was unable to appreciate the nice points of his argument.

"Your Honor," he said, "I beg your pardon; but do you follow me?"

"I have so far," answered the judge, shifting wearily about in his chair, "but I'll say frankly that if I thought I could find my way back, I'd quit right here."

_See also_ Lawyers.

JUDGMENT

Two San Francisco negroes were discussing the possibilities of being drafted.

"'Tain't gwine do 'em any good to pick on me," said Lemuel, sulkily. "Ah certainly ain't gwine do any fightin'. Ah ain't lost nothin' oveh in France. Ah ain't got any quarrel with anybody, and Uncle Sam kain't make me fight."

Jim pondered over this statement for a moment.

"You' right," he said at length. "Uncle Sam kain't make you fight. But he can take you where de fightin' is, and after that you kin use you' own judgment."

  'Tis with our judgments as our watches; none   Go just alike, yet each believes his own.

  --_Pope_.

  How little do they see what is, who frame   Their hasty judgment upon that which seems.

  --_Southey_.

  Judgment is forced upon us by experience.

  --_Johnson_.

JURY

Fresh from Boston, the lawyer in the frontier town had just finished a glowing summing up for the defense. There ensued a long pause, and the Easterner turned in some embarrassment to the judge.

"Your Honor," he asked, "will you charge the jury?"

"Oh, no, I guess not," answered the judge benignantly.

"They ain't got much anyway, so I let them keep all they can make on the side."

The jury filed into the jury-box, and after the twelve seats were filled there still remained one juror standing outside.

"If the Court please," said the Clerk, "they have made a mistake and sent us thirteen jurors instead of twelve. What do you want to do with this extra one?"

"What is your name?" asked the judge of the extra man.

"Joseph A. Braines," he replied.

"Mr. Clerk," said the judge, "take this man back to the jury commissioners and tell them we don't need him as we already have twelve men without Braines."

A suit for damages was being tried not long ago in one of the divisions of a Southern city court. A country lad, seventeen or eighteen years of age, was put on the stand to testify. He gave his testimony in so low a tone that the judge, pointing to the jury, said to him:

"Speak so that these gentlemen can hear you."

"Why," said the witness, with a beaming smile, "are these men interested in the case, too?"

"Judge, Your Honor," cried the prisoner at the bar, "have I got to be tried by a lady jury?"

"Be still!" whispered his attorney.

"I won't be still! Judge, I can't even fool my own wife, let alone twelve strange women. I'm guilty!"

In western Georgia a jury recently met to inquire into a case of suicide. After sitting through the evidence, the twelve men retired, and, after deliberating, returned with the following verdict:

"The jury are all of one mind--temporarily insane."

THE JUDGE (to jury, who have retired several times without agreeing)--"I understand that one juryman prevents your coming to a verdict. In my summing up I have clearly stated the law, and any juryman who obstinately sets his individual opinion against the remaining eleven is totally unfitted for his duties."

THE SOLITARY OBJECTOR--"Please, m'lud, I'm the only man who agrees with you!"

_A Time Exposure_

A judge's little daughter, who had attended her father's court for the first time, was very much interested in the proceedings. After her return home she told her mother:

"Papa made a speech, and several other men made speeches to twelve men who sat all together, and then these twelve men were put in a dark room to be developed."

During an address to a body of law students ex-President Taft pointed out that too much care cannot be taken in the selection of the jury. In this connection he told of an intelligent-looking farmer who had been examined by both defense and prosecution and was about to be accepted, when the prosecutor chanced to ask:

"Do you believe in capital punishment?"

The farmer hemmed and hawed and after a moment's reflection replied:

"Yes, sir, I do, if it ain't too severe."

THE COURT--"Considering that you are the wife of the prisoner, do you think you are qualified to act as a juror in this case?"

THE LADY--"Well, your honor, if you will only give me a chance, I think I can convince the eleven other jurors that he's guilty."

A tailor who had been wrongfully accused of murder, and who had an excellent defense, seemed very dejected when brought up for trial.

"What's the trouble?" whispered the counsel, observing his client's distress as he surveyed the jurymen.

"It looks very bad for me," said the defendant, "unless some steps are taken to dismiss that jury and get in a new lot. There isn't a man among them but owes me money for clothes."

JUSTICE

There is no virtue so truly great and Godlike as justice.--_Addison_.

A Sunday-school teacher had been telling her class of little boys about crowns of glory and heavenly rewards for good people.

"Now, tell me," she said, at the close of the lesson, "who will get the biggest crown?"

There was silence for a minute or two, then a bright little chap piped out:

"Him wot's got t' biggest 'ead."