MOTHERS-IN-LAW

The lady bather had got into a hole and she couldn't swim. Nor could the young man on the end of the pier; but when she came up for the first time and he caught sight of her face, he could shriek, and he did. He shrieked:

"Help!"

A burly fisherman sauntered to his side.

"Wot's up?" he asked.

"There!" hoarsely cried the young man. "My wife! Drowning! I can't swim! A hundred dollars for you if you can save her."

In a moment the burly fisherman was in the sea. In another he was out of it, with the rescued lady bather. Thanking his lucky stars, he approached the young man again.

"Well, what about the hundred bones?" he asked.

But if the young man's face had been ashen gray before, now it was dead white, as he gazed upon the features of the recovered dame.

"Y-e-s, I know!" he gasped. "But when I made the offer I thought it was my wife who was drowning; and now--now it turns out it was my wife's mother!"

The burly fisherman pulled a long face. "Just my luck!" he muttered, thrusting his hand into his trousers pocket. "How much do I owe you?"

"Is your wife's mother enjoying her trip to the mountains?" "I'm afraid not. She's found something at last that she can't walk over."

MOVING PICTURES

A recent movie comedy showed on the screen a bevy of shapely girls disrobing for a plunge in the "old swimming-pool." They had just taken off shoes, hats, coats and were beginning on--a passing freight-train dashed across the screen and obscured the view. When it had passed, the girls were frolicking in the water.

An old railroader sat through the show again and again. At length an usher tapped him on the shoulder.

"Aren't you ever going home?" he asked.

"Oh, I'll wait a while," was the answer. "One of these times that train's going to be late."

"Didn't anybody criticise you for filming an automobile in ancient Babylon?"

"No. But I had a dozen letters calling my attention to the fact that the car showed a California license tag."

Moving day comes on May 1st, but every day in the year is movie day.

SLAPSTICK DIRECTOR--"Can't you suggest a novel from which we could adapt a comedy?"

COMEDIAN--"My memory isn't very accurate, but isn't there a book called 'Alice Threw the Looking-glass'?"

MOVIE OPERATOR--"What shall I do with this film? There is a tear in it that cuts right through the hero's nose!"

CLEVER MANAGER--"Ha! just the thing! Bill it as a feature in two parts."

PROMOTER--"I have here a scheme for revamping old films."

MANAGER--"Beat it! I'm too busy refilming old vamps."

An old couple from the country wandered into a moving picture show in town. As they entered a cow-boy picture was being shown.

The old lady laid a restraining hand on her husband's arm.

"Bill," she said, "let's not go too far down in front; the dust those horses are kickin' up is somethin' awful. My clothes'll be ruined!"

"Here's another book on _How to Get into the Movies_."

"Why on earth doesn't somebody write a book on how to get a seat after you do get in?"

Mr. and Mrs. Todd were debating whether the movie they had just seen was a new or old production.

"The leading woman wore two or three gowns that are very much in vogue," Mrs. Todd reminded her husband.

He remained firm, however.

"There wasn't any excitement when the cocktails were served," he said.

"I can," said the bashful young man to the director of the film company, "swim, dive, run an auto, fly an aeroplane, fence, box, shoot, ride a horse, run a motor-boat, play golf, fight, make love, fall off cliffs, rescue heroines, play football, die naturally, and kiss a girl."

"But," interrupted the famous director, "can you _act_?"

"Alas!" muttered the would-be screen hero, "I never thought of _that_."

"Engaged," growled the director, and another screen star was born.--_Life_.

_See also_ Actors and actresses; Advertising; Signs.

MULES

"Is you gwine ter let dat mewel do as he pleases?" asked Uncle Ephraim's wife.

"Wha's you will-power?"

"My will-power's all right" he answered "You jes' want ter come out hyar an' measure dis mewel's won't power."

Somewhere in France a tall negro dough-boy was trying to pull to his feet a mule who persisted obstinately in sitting down. The darkey tugged and strained but the mule remained obdurate. Finally the man desisted and glaring at the mule, remarked "As you were, mule, as you were."

"What's become of your chauffeur?"

"Oh, he was with the regiment down in Texas and crawled under an army mule to see why it wouldn't go."

"Some men," said Uncle Eben, "put in der lives kickin' at nothin'. Bar's dis much to be said foh de mule. If he's interested enough to kick, he's willin' to go to de trouble of takin' aim."

"_Love's Labor Lost_"

Luke had been sent to the store with the mule and wagon. What happened is told in Luke's end of the conversation over the telephone from the store.

"Gimme seb'n-'leben.

"Gimme dat number quick, please 'm.

"Dis yer's Luke, suh.

"Dis yer's Luke, I say, suh.

"I tuk de wagon to de sto' fo dat truck.

"Yas, suh, I'm at de sto'.

"Dat mule, she balk, suh.

"She's balkin' in de big road, near de sto'.

"No, suh, she ain' move.

"No, suh, I don' think she's gwine move.

"Yas, suh, I beat 'er.

"I did beat 'er good.

"She's jes' r'ar a li'l bit, suh.

"Yas, suh, she kick, too.

"She jes' bus' de whiffletree li'l bit, suh.

"No, suh, dat mule won't lead.

"Yas, suh, I tried it.

"No, suh, jes' bit _at_ me.

"No, suh, I ain't tickle de laigs.

"I tickle um las' year, suh, once.

"Yas, suh, we twis' 'er tail.

"No, suh, I ain' done it.

"Who done it?

"I t'ink he's li'l travelin' man f'um Boston, suh. He twis' 'er tail.

_"Yas, suh! She sho' did!_

"Right spang in de face, suh.

"Dey's got 'im at de sto'.

"Dey say he's comin' to, suh.

"I don' know--he do look mighty sleepy to me, suh.

"Yas, suh, we tried dat.

"Yas, suh, we built a fire under 'er.

"No, suh, dat ain' make 'er go.

"She jes' move up li'l bit, suh.

"Yas, suh, de wagon bu'n right up. Dat's whut I'm telephonin' yu 'bout--to ast yu please sen' a wagon to hitch up to dis yer mule. She ain' gwine budge lessen she's hitched up. Good-by, suh."

Ephum Johnson was up before Judge Shimmerplate on a cruelty to animals charge.

"Deed Ah wasn't abusing dat mule, judge," the old man demurred.

"Did you not strike it repeatedly with a club?"

"Yassah."

"And do you not know that you can accomplish more with animals by speaking to them?"

"Yassah; but this critter am different. He am so deef he can't hear me when Ah speaks to him in de usual way, so Ah has to communicate wid him in de sign language."

  On mules we find two legs behind     And two we find before;   We stand behind before we find     What the two behind stand for!

A teacher was instructing a class in English and called on a small boy named Jimmy Brown.

"James," she said, "write on the board, 'Richard can ride the mule if he wants to.'"

"Now," continued the teacher when Jimmy had finished writing, "can you find a better form for that sentence?"

"Yes, ma'am, I think I can," was the prompt answer. "'Richard can ride the mule if the mule wants him to.'"

A mule-skinner in France was trying to drive a mule, with a wagon load, through a hospital gate. The mule would do anything but pass through the gate.

"Want any 'elp, chum?" shouted one of the hospital orderlies.

"No," replied the driver; "but I'd like to know how Noah got two of these blighters into the Ark!"

"Why don't you get rid of that mule?" asked one Virginia darky of another.

"Well, yo' see, Jim," replied the other, "I hates to give in. Ef I was to trade dat mule off he'd regard it as a pussunal victory. He's been tryin' fo' de last six weeks to get rid of me."

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