NEIGHBORS

"But I don't know you, madam," the bank cashier said to the woman who had presented a check.

The woman, however, instead of saying haughtily, "I do not wish your acquaintance, sir," merely replied, with an engaging smile:

"Oh, yes, you do, I think. I'm the 'red-headed old virago' next door to you, whose scoundrelly little boys are always reaching through the fence and picking your flowers. When you started for town this morning your wife said: 'Now, Henry, if you want a dinner fit to eat this evening you'll have to leave me a little money. I can't keep this house on plain water and sixpence a day.'"

Christianity teaches us to love our neighbor as ourself; modern society acknowledges no neighbor.--_Beaconsfield_.

"I'm quite a near neighbor of yours now," said Mr. Bore.

"I'm living just across the river."

"Indeed," replied Miss Smart. "I hope you'll drop in some day."

NEW JERSEY

Misunderstandings with New Jersey people are sure to result if visitors mistake chicken wire for mosquito netting.

NEW YORK CITY

Mr. Edmund Hornung was in New York several days over Sunday.

That's where they travel fast, I'm telling you.

SILAS (in a whisper)--"Did you git a peep at the underworld at all while you wuz in New York, Ezry?"

EZRA--"Three times! Subway twice an' ratscellar once."

"I see New York did considerable begging for one of those reserve banks."

"What of it?"

"Oh, nothing, New York used to dictate."

CUBIST TEACHER--"Can anyone give an impressionistic definition of New York?"

BRIGHT PUPIL--"A small body of limousines almost entirely surrounded by Fords."

FIRST SOUTHERNER--"Were you in New York long enough to feel at home?"

SECOND SOUTHERNER--"Yes, sir; why, I got so I could keep my seat in the cars with a lady standing and not even think about it."

An Ohio newspaper editor spent a few days in New York, and while there somebody asked him how he liked the big town.

"I care for it very little," replied the editor. "Did you ever think of this: Suppose you lived in New York and wanted to go fishing. Where would you go to dig a can of worms?"

"I hear you want a room clerk."

"No, we never have any rooms. What we want is a clerk who can satisfy people in assigning them to billiard tables, telephone booths and cots in the halls."

  The surging crowd along Broadway   Was stirred so strangely yesterday.   It stood on tiptoe, eyes aglow,   It stared, and turned to whisper low   Of wonders such as seldom pass   That way. What swayed the living mass?   What marvel from the fabled isles   That drew the eye from Paris styles?   A street car left the track perhaps?   Two bootblacks nabbed for shooting craps?   A fire to call the engines out?   A skidding auto turned about?   A homebrew Bacchus' raisin dance?   At these perhaps the crowd would glance   But never act like this at all.   Amazed, I asked a copper tall   And broad, and heard at last;   A horse and buggy just went past.

  --_Roland D. Johnson_.

An English novelist took his first look at Broadway aflame with light. He read the flashing and leaping signs and said: "How much more wonderful it would be for a man who couldn't read."

UNCLE EZRA--"Eph Hoskins must have had some time down in New York."

UNCLE EBEN--"Yep. Reckon he traveled a mighty swift pace. Eph's wife said that when Eph got back and went into his room he looked at the bed, kicked it, and said, 'What's that darn thing for?"--_Judge_.

After Mark Twain had been in New York for five years, he wrote to his folks back home that he was the loneliest man in the world!

"What!" exclaimed his people, "in New York _and lonely_!"

"Yes," wrote Mark; "I'm the only man in this town that doesn't touch a drop."

TEACHER--"Do you know the population of New York?"

MAMIE BACKROW--"Not all of them, ma'am, but then, we've only lived here two years."--_Puck_.

NEWSBOYS

NEWSBOY--"Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister?"

PASSER-BY--"Here, boy, I'll take one." (After reading a moment.) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it?"

NEWSBOY--"That's the mystery, guvnor. You're the fifty-first victim."

NEWSPAPERS

APPLICANT--"I'm ready to begin at the bottom, sir."

NEWSPAPER PROPRIETOR--"Well, what's your idea?"

"To start first with the leading editorials and gradually work myself up to the sporting page."

"Never state as a fact anything you are not certain about," the great editor warned the new reporter, "or you will get us into libel suits. In such cases use the words, 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on."

And then this paragraph appeared in the society notes of the paper:

"It is rumored that a card party was given yesterday by a number of reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, gossip says, was hostess. It is alleged that the guests with the exception of Mrs. Bellinger, who says she hails from Leavitt's Junction, were all from here. Mrs. Smith claims to be the wife of Archibald Smith, the so-called 'Honest Man' trading on Key Street."

And when the editor had read the report a whirling mass claiming to be the reporter was projected through the window and struck the street with a dull thud.

REPORTER--"Madam, you may recollect that we printed yesterday your denial of having retracted the contradiction of your original statement. Would you care to have us say that you were misquoted in regard to it."--_Life_.

As any reporter will tell you, the only place in a newspaper office where real toil is done is the city room. Imagine our pleasure when we overheard one of the office boys saying: "When I first came here I thought it was called the 'sitting room.' I said something about the sitting room one day to the city editor, and I thought he was going to throw me down the elevator shaft."

"Can you make anything out of the news from Europe?"

"Easiest thing in the world. I only read the newspapers every other day. In this way I get a connected story of our side or the other and avoid the denials."--_Puck_.

ENGLISH NEWSIE (selling extras)--"Better 'ave one and read about it now, sir; it might be contradicted in the morning."--_Punch_.

The reporter was sent to write up a charity ball. His copy came in late and it was careless. The editor reproved him the next day by quoting an extract:

"Look here, Scribbler, what do you mean by this, 'Among the most beautiful girls was Alderman Horatio Dingley'? Old Dingley ain't a girl, you idiot! He's one of our principal shareholders."

"I can't help that," returned the realistic reporter, "that's where he was."

  When Earth's last paper is finished and the type is scrambled and           pied,   When the roar of the press becomes fainter and sheets are folded           and dried;   We shall rest, and Faith, we shall need it, for the way has been           weary and long,   And oft have we heard that chestnut, "Young man, you have quoted           me wrong."

The cub reporter was grinding out a marriage notice. Finally he brought it up and laid it on the city editor's desk:

"Mr. and Mrs. Blank announce today the marriage of their daughter to take place next Monday--"

"Huh," grunted the editor, "you can't say they announced a marriage yet to take place."

Again the cub jabbed away at his typewriter. And when he brought it back this time it read:

"Mr. and Mrs. Blank predicted today the marriage of their daughter."

"How many revolutions does the earth make in a day? It's your turn, Willie Smith."

"You can't tell, teacher, till you see the morning paper."

_See also_ Editors.

"NO"

No is one of the smallest words in the English language, and yet--

It has brought about more heartaches than the war.

It has caused more children to shed tears than all the spankings in the world put together.

It has saved more money for individuals with backbone than a year's output of padlocks.

It has made itself Prohibition's greatest aid.

It has killed genius and thwarted ambition. It has turned love into hate and success into failure.

It has kept kings off thrones and poets out of Arcadia.

It has caused good men to tremble and scoundrels to rejoice.

Will it ever make a change for the better?

No.

NOTHING

  Mysterious Nothing! how shall I define     Thy shapeless, baseless, placeless emptiness?   Nor form, nor colour, sound, nor size is thine,     Nor words nor fingers can thy voice express;   But though we cannot thee to aught compare,     A thousand things to thee may likened be,   And though thou art with nobody nowhere,     Yet half mankind devote themselves to thee.   How many books thy history contain;     How many heads thy mighty plans pursue;   What labouring hands thy portion only gain;     What busy bodies thy doings only do!   To thee the great, the proud, the giddy bend,     And--like my sonnet--all in nothing end.

  --_Richard Parson_.

NURSES

FREDDIE--"Are you the trained nurse mama said was coming?"

NURSE--"Yes, dear; I'm the trained nurse."

FREDDIE--"Let's see some of your tricks, then!"