OFFICE-SEEKERS

Mayor Mitchel of New York was talking at a dinner about office-seekers.

"A good man had just died," he said, "and with unseemly haste an office-seeker came after his job.

"Yes, sir, tho the dead man hadn't been buried, yet this office-seeker came to me and said, breathlessly:

"'Mr. Mayor, do you see any objection to my being put in poor Tom Smith's place?'

"'Why, no,' said I. 'Why, no, I see no objection, if the undertaker doesn't.'"

No matter how hard a man runs for office he is perfectly satisfied to win in a walk.

There is seldom a collision between the office seeking the man and the man seeking the office.

"There goes a fellow who chased around for years trying to land a political job."

"Well, what does he do now?"

"Nothing--he's got the job."

Uncle Mose aspired to the elective office of justice of the peace in the "black bottom" part of town. One bar there was to his preferment: he could neither read nor write. His master advised him to go to the commissioner of elections and ask whether he was eligible. Mose went and returned.

"What did he tell you, Mose?" inquired the master.

"It's all right, sah," answered Mose; "dat gen'lemun suttinly was kind, yas, suh. He tole me Ah was illegible fo' dat office."

OFFICERS

OFFICER--"I ketched this here mut pinchin' bananas off a fruit-stand."

MAGISTRATE--"Aha! 'personating an officer! Two years."--_Life_.

COMMANDER--"What's his character apart from this leave-breaking?"

PETTY OFFICER--"Well, sir, this man 'e goes ashore when 'e likes; 'e comes off when 'e likes; 'e uses 'orrible language when 'e's spoken to; in fact, from 'is general be'avior, 'e might be a orficer!"--_Punch_.

PROFESSOR--"What! Forgotten your pencil again, Jones! What would you think of a soldier without a gun?"

JONES (an ex-service man)--"I'd think he was an officer."

OLD AGE

_See_ Age.

OLD CLOTHES

_See_ Clothing.

OPPORTUNITY

"But didn't Opportunity ever knock at your door?"

"Probably."

"And you didn't answer it?"

"I? Of course not. What do you think the servants are for?"

Lazyman, Contentedman, and Busyman lived together in the same house. One day, when only Lazyman and Contentedman were at home, Opportunity knocked.

As Lazyman made not the slightest move to go to the door, Contentedman went and opened it.

"I am Opportunity," said the visitor, "and I have something very wonderful for you."

Lazyman yawned and said nothing.

Contentedman courteously explained that he was not interested, for the very good reason that he had everything he wanted.

"I believe Busyman also lives here," said Opportunity. "Where is he? I know he would be glad to see me."

"Indeed he would, but he's out. He's always busy running around. You're not the first Opportunity that he's missed. Opportunities have been knocking here regularly for years, but he's never at home. I tell him it doesn't pay to be so busy."

Opportunity walked away with dejected mien.--_Life_.

  How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds,   Makes ill deeds done!

  --_Shakespeare_.

OPTIMISM

A part of what we might term the optimist's philosophy is--If you can mend a situation mend it; if you can't mend it forget it.--_Ralph Waldo Trine_.

If your confidence needs buttressing, just stop for a moment and consider that this old world in which we have found such happiness has throughout the past ages been visited by every catastrophe of which the human mind can conceive, and from each of these dark periods it has emerged always and eternally a progressive world.

Finally, I say, cheer up. Let's look on the bright side rather than the dark side, and above all let us understand that there are no insurmountable obstacles standing in the path of our progress, that we are competent to solve the things that confront us, that they will be solved, and that humankind will be benefited by the virtue of our assuming an optimism in which we are fully justified.--_Lewis L. Clark_.

LANDLADY--"Just when are you going to pay your arrears of room rent?"

HARD-UP AUTHOR--"As soon as I receive the check which the publisher will send me if he accepts the novel I am about to commence when I have found a suitable subject and the necessary inspiration."

An optimist is anybody who thinks he can write a new humorous definition of an optimist or a pessimist. A pessimist is the same person after he has made a serious attempt to do so.

An optimist looks at an oyster and expects a pearl. A pessimist looks at an oyster and expects ptomaine poisoning.

THE OPTIMIST (who has just been struck by a passing motor-car)--"Glory be! If this isn't a piece o' luck! Sure, 'tis the docther himself that's in ut."--_Punch_.

"What's an optimist?"

"An optimist is a person who'll go into a restaurant without a cent in his pocket and figure on paying for the meal with the pearl he hopes to find in the oyster."

"An optimist is a man who cherishes vain hopes, and a pessimist a man who nurses vain regrets."

"And what is a man who does both?"

"Oh, he's just a plain ordinary human."

ORIGINALITY

A certain little girl was discovered by her mother engaged in a spirited encounter with a small friend who had got considerably worsted in the engagement.

"Don't you know, dear," said the mother, "that it is very wicked to behave so? It was Satan that put it into your head to pull Elsie's hair."

"Well, perhaps it was," the child admitted, "but kicking her shins was entirely my own idea."

OSTRICH

  The ostrich is a foolish bird,     With scarcely any mind,   He often runs away so fast,     He leaves himself behind.

  And when he gets there, has to stand     And wait around till night,   Without a single thing to do,     Until he comes in sight.

  --_Mary Wilkins Freeman_.

OUIJA BOARD

"Do you think Mrs. Spinnix cheated at the ouija board?"

"I wouldn't go so far as to say she cheated," replied Miss Cayenne, "But I couldn't help noticing that it mispelled some of its words the same way she does."

Harry came home about five o'clock and his face and hands were very clean and his hair stood on end. His mother took one look and exclaimed: "Harry, I told you not to go swimmin' with Bob Ross."

"How do you know that I have been swimmin'?" asked Harry.

"Never mind who told me, but I know that you have been swimmin'," replied his mother.

After a while Harry said: "I'll just bet you anything that Mrs. Ross was over here this afternoon, and you and Mrs. Ross had that ouija board out."--_Judge_.

Breathlessly the spiritualistically inclined lady bent over the ouija spelling out the communications from her departed spouse.

"John, are you happy there?" she asked.

"Yes, d-e-a-r."

"Are you happier than you were on the earth."

"Yes, d-e-a-r."

"Ah," she breathed. "Heaven must be a wonderful place."

"I g-u-e-s-s s-o, b-u-t I-m n-o-t t-h-e-r-e y-e-t."

"Well," said Farmer Corntossel, "I reckon I've done a pretty good afternoon's work."

"But all you did," commented Jud Tunkins, contemptuously, "was to sit on the fence and whittle."

"Yes; but what I whittled up was the family ouija board."