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P Parents - Purgatory
Parents
_When Ma Is Sick_ When Ma is sick she pegs away; She's quiet, though; not much t' say. She goes right on a-doin' things, An' sometimes laughs and even sings. She says she don't feel extra well. But then it's just a kind o' spell. She'll be all right tomorrow sure, A good old sleep will be the cure. An' Pa he sniffs an' makes no kick, For women folks is always sick, An' Ma, she smiles, lets on she's glad-- When Ma is sick it ain't so bad. _When Pa Is Sick_ When Pa is sick, he's scared to death, An' Ma an' us just holds our breath. He crawls in bed, an' puffs and grunts, And does all kinds of crazy stunts. He wants "Doc" Brown, an' mighty quick, For when Pa's ill he's mighty sick. He gasps and groans, an' sort o' sighs, He talks so queer, an' rolls his eyes. Ma jumps an' runs, an' all of us, An' all the house is in a fuss. An' peace and joy is mighty skeerce-- When Pa is sick, it's something fierce. "Come upstairs, and let me wash your hands," said mother, when she arrived with her little daughter for tea at granny's. "I don't want to go up," wailed Winnie, aged four. "Let her wash them down in the kitchen," called grand-mamma. "She can do it just as well." "No," her mother said firmly. "I want her to come up with me!" Winnie went upstairs as slowly as possible. "Oh," said she, turning a wrathful tearful face to her mother, "Why don't you obey your mother?" _Three Children_ Three children sliding on the ice Upon a summer's day. As it fell out they all fell in, The rest they ran away. Now, had these children been at home, Or sliding on dry ground, Ten thousand pounds to one penny They had not all been drowned. You parents all that children have, And you too that have none, If you would have them safe abroad Pray keep them safe at home. WILLIE--"I guess my dad must have been a pretty bad boy." TOMMIE--"What makes you think that?"
WILLIE--"Because he knows exactly what questions to ask me when he wants to know what I have been doing."--_Puck_. Daddy came home from the office early one evening and mother had not returned from some friends whom she had been visiting for tea. Little four-year-old Gwennie ran up to her father's side. "Daddy," she cried, "I've been wanting to see you for a long time when mother's not near." "Why, my little girl?" asked father. "Well, dad," answered Gwennie, "please don't tell mother, because she's an awful dear, but I don't think she knows much about bringing up children." "What makes you think that?" asked her father. "Well," replied Gwennie, "she makes me go to bed when I am wide awake and she makes me get up when I am awfully sleepy." BOBBY--"Daddy, look! There's an aeroplane." ABSORBED DADDY--"Yes, dear--don't touch it."
PARROTS "Mercy! How that bird swears!" exclaimed the would-be purchaser. "What would my husband say?" "I dunno, ma'am," replied the dealer. "But whatever it was this 'ere parrot could repeat it right over after him." OLD LADY--"I want you to change that parrot I bought from you--he doesn't speak at all, and you said he'd repeat every word he heard." SHOPMAN--"Yes, madam, and so he would--but you took him in such a hurry that I hadn't time to tell you he was deaf." A.E. Clark, editor of The City Bulletin, of Columbus, Ohio, was with a friend who was campaigning for the Red Cross. The friend knocked at a door and a voice said, "Come in." His friend tried the door, then shouted, "It's locked!" "Come in," repeated the voice, and the campaigner replied: "It's locked." "Come in." "It's locked." At that point a woman put her head out of a window next door and said: "There's no one at home. You're talking to the parrot."
PARTNERSHIP The partners of a well-known Stock Exchange house were having a dinner conference at an uptown hotel. One of them appeared worried during the progress of the meal, and finally he was queried as to the cause of his fit of abstraction. "I just happened to remember that I neglected to lock the safe before I left the office," he replied. "Why worry?" said another member of the firm. "We are all here." "I'll clean th' snow off yer walk for a quarter." "Why, I just paid a quarter to have it cleaned." "Tain't half done." "Come, come, that isn't a nice way to abuse a fellow worker." "Oh, dat's all right--he's me pardner." A bright German gentleman, retired from business, relates the following little anecdote: "Going down to New York the other night on the boat," said he, "I got chatting with a German acquaintance, and asked him what he was doing. "'Veil', he replied, 'shoost now I am doing nodings, but I have made arrangements to go into pizness.' "'Glad to hear it. What are you going into?' "'Veil, I guess into partnership mit a man.' "'Do you put in much capital?' "'No; I doesn't put in no gabital.' "'Don't want to risk it, eh?' "'No; but I puts in de experience.' "'And he puts in the capital?' "'Yes, dot is it. We goes into pizness for dree year; he puts in de gabital, I puts in de experience. At the end of de dree year I will have de gabital, and he will have de experience!'"
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