POLITICS

GREEN--"What is the hardest work you ever did?"

CITY EMPLOYEE--"The work I did landing this job, and the next hardest is the work of keeping it from being taken away from me."--_Judge_.

"I am out of politics for good," announced the Political Boss.

"Whose?" questioned the Green Reporter.

POLITICAL BOSS--"So you wish to enter politics, madam. What are your qualifications?"

LADY APPLICANT--"Well, I have served three terms as a member of the Board of Education."

YOUNG 'UN--"I'm taking political economy at college."

OLD 'UN--"That's a useless course. Why learn to economize in politics? It's not being done."

FIRST PASSENGER--"I understand that your city has the rottenest political ring in the country."

SECOND PASSENGER--"That's right. But how did you know where I'm from?"

FIRST PASSENGER--"I don't."

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (investigating election fund)--"Dave, what happened to you before you reached the polls?"

DAVE (an old negro)--"Well suh, the fust thing, suh, a man stopped me an' said: 'Dave, heah's four dollahs; I want you to go right down to de polls an' vote for Mr. Brown; he's the Republican candidate for Congress and a very fine man.'"

PROSECUTOR--"Did you take the money?"

DAVE--"O, yassir, I took de money. And then, as I wuz goin' on down de street another man stops me and says: 'Dave, heah's seven dollahs; I want you to go right down to de polls an' vote for Mr. Rogers; he's the Democratic nominee for Congress and a very fine man.'"

PROSECUTOR--"Did you take that money, too, Dave?"

DAVE--"O, yassir, I took dat money, too, suh."

PROSECUTOR--"Then, Dave, how did you vote?"

DAVE--"Well, suh, after speculatin' quite a spell, suh, as to what a niggah ought to do in a case ob dat kind, suh, I walks right into de polls and votes de straight Republican ticket, suh, 'cause I figgered, suh, dat dis here Republican man, he war de least corrupt ob de two."

"Don't you think our friend Crossum might loom up as a dark horse?"

"No," declared Senator Sorghum, "record's too shady. It would require a great deal of whitewashing to qualify him as a dark horse."

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Father, what is a traitor in politics?"

VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one."

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?"

VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A convert, my son."

During a municipal campaign in Chicago a politician dropped in one morning to see a certain grocer. During the conversation that took place, the politician asked, "And I may count upon your support, may I not?"

"Why, no, I am sorry to say," replied the grocer. "The fact is, I have promised my support to the other candidate."

The politician laughed. "Ah," said he, "in politics, promising and performing are two different things."

"In that case," said the grocer cordially, "I shall be glad to give you my promise, sir."

STRANGER--"Upon what plan are your city institutions conducted?"

CITIZEN-"A sort of let-George-do-it system--without any George."--_Puck_.

POSTAL SERVICE

WILLIS--"What did you think of that fellow's carrying the message to Garcia?"

GILLIS--"Don't blame him a bit. With our poor Post Office service, it was the only way he could get it to him."

COUNTRY LADY--"I've been expecting a packet of medicine by post for a week, and haven't received it yet."

POST-OFFICE CLERK--"Yes, madam. Kindly fill in this form, and state the nature of your complaint."

LADY--"Well, if you must know, it's indigestion."

Aunt Mehitable Trusalive wants to know why it is every letter she gets somebody is always printing on the outside: "Join the Navy." She declares to goodness she never thought of such a thing and if they don't stop she'll have the law on them.

DASHER--"This parcel-post package is being delivered in unusually quick time. How do you account for it?"

MAIL-CARRIER--"The department thought it contained a time-bomb, sir."-_Judge_.

FANNING--"What's become of that rubber stamp, 'Dictated, but not read,' that you used to use on your letters?"

DASHER--"I threw it away and got one that prints, 'Mailed, but not delivered.'"

POVERTY

Poverty is the greatest of physicians. His method is prophylactic rather than therapeutic, but in point of results he is in a class by himself.

His practice attests the efficacy of the ounce of prevention in big doses.

Poverty ranks high as a surgeon, too. Nobody else cuts out so many things that are not good for us.

In a way he has the respect of the profession. Where he is in charge of a case no other practitioner is apt to interfere.

We should not so much esteem our poverty as a misfortune, were it not that the world treats it so much as a crime.--_Boree_.

Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not to know how to chase it away by work is a more shameful thing yet.--_Pericles_.

  Want is a bitter and a hateful good,   Because its virtues are not understood;   Yet many things, impossible to thought,   Have been by need to full perfection brought.

  --_Dryden_.

Ned Shuter thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned: "A hole," said he, "may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darn is premeditated poverty."

PRAISE

The highest praise for a man is to give him responsibility.

A playwright and an actor were in conversation when the former, who has been none too successful of late, exclaimed gloomily:

"People will praise my work after I am dead."

"Well," said the actor, in a consoling tone, "perhaps you are right, but don't you think it's a great deal of a sacrifice to make for a little praise?"

"Well, there's one thing about the man who sings his own praises."

"And what's that?"

"He never has to give the excuse that he has left his music home and can't play without his notes."

  The love of praise, howe'er conceal'd by art,   Reigns, more or less, and glows, in ev'ry heart:   The proud, to gain it, toils on toils endure;   The modest shun it, but to make it sure.

  --_Young_.

  Praising what is lost,   Makes the remembrance dear.

  --_Shakespeare_.

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