SPELLING

  If an S and an I, and an O and a U,     With an X at the end spell "su,"   And an E and a Y and an E spell I,     Pray what is a speller to do?   Then if an S and an I and a G     And an H E D spell "side,"   There's nothing much for a speller to do     But go commit siouxeyesighed.

A Chicago man was walking through a foreign quarter of his city when, with an amused smile, he stopped in front of a small eating-place, on the window of which was painted in white, "Lam Stew."

Now the proprietor happened to be standing in the doorway, and when he saw the smile of the gentleman who had stopped in front of his place he asked to be favored with an explanation of the joke.

Whereupon the other explained about the missing "b" in "lamb," and the proprietor accepted the correction in good part, at the same time expressing his thanks.

When next the Chicago man passed that restaurant he found that the menu had been changed, but that the lesson in orthography had not been forgotten. The proprietor was now offering "Clamb Chowder." --_Harper's_.

"The spelling-book's all wrong, mama! It don't look right for a little thing like a kitten to have six letters and a big cat to only have three."

"What did you learn at the school?" the boss asked the fair young applicant for the stenographer's job.

"I learned," she replied, "that spelling is essential to a stenographer."

The boss chuckled,

"Good. Now let me hear you spell 'essential.'"

The fair girl hesitated for the fraction of a second.

"There are three ways," she replied. "Which do you prefer?"

And she got the job.

JONES--"'Ow is your 'ealth today, Mr. 'Arrison?"

HARRISON--"My name is not 'Arrison."

JONES--"Well, if a haitch, a hay, two hars, a hi, a hes, a ho and a hen don't spell 'Arrison, then what does it spell?"

A sailor was taken ill with a bad attack of rheumatism while mine-sweeping on a trawler.

The sick man was promptly ordered to hospital, but later on the doctor found out, quite by accident, that he was still on board ship.

Angrily he asked why his order had not been obeyed.

"Well," replied the captain, we tried to send him ashore, but a sergeant of police hailed us and said that on no account was he to be landed or we'd be fined L100, so we just kept him on board."

"But did you not signal to the depot, as I said."

"Yes, we did; but neither me nor the signalman knew how to spell rheumatism, so we called it smallpox."

             _O-U-G-H_

             _A Fresh Hack at an Old Knot_

  I'm taught p-l-o-u-g-h     S'all be pronounce "plow."   "Zat's easy w'en you know," I say,     "Mon Anglais, I'll get through!"

  My teacher say zat in zat case,     O-u-g-h is "oo"   And zen I laugh and say to him,     "Zees Anglaiz make me cough."

  He say "Not coo," but in zat word,     O-u-g-h is 'off'   Oh, Sacre bleu! such varied sounds     Of words makes me hiccough!

  He say "Again mon frien' ees wrong;     O-u-g-h is 'up'   In hiccough." Zen I cry, "No more,     You make my t'roat feel rough."

  "Non, non!" he cry, "you are hot right;     O-u-g-h is 'uff.'"   I say, "I try to spik your words,     I cannot spik zem though!"

  "In time you'll learn, but now you're wrong!     O-u-g-h is 'owe.'"   "I'll try no more, I s'all go mad,     I'll drown me in ze lough!"

  "But ere you drown yourself," said he,     "O-u-g-h is 'ock'."   He taught no more, I held him fast,     And killed him wiz a rough.

  --_Charles Battell Loomis_.

"Pa, what's phonetic spelling?"

"It's a way of spelling that I often got whipped for when I was your age."

"I say, Hodge, why do you always put 'dictated' on your letters? You don't keep a stenographer."

"No; but to tell the truth, old chap, my spelling's exceedingly rocky."

"And what did my little son learn about this morning?"

"Oh, a mouse. Miss Wilcox told us all about mouses."

"That's the boy! Now, how do you spell 'mouse'?"

It was then that Arthur gave promise of being an artful dodger. He paused meditatively for a moment, then said:

"Father, I guess I was wrong. It wasn't a mouse teacher was telling us about. It was a rat."

What does Ghoughphteightteau spell? Give it up?

Well, "gh" stands for "p" as in "hiccough"; "ough" stands for "o" as in "dough"; "phth" stands for "t" as in "phthisis"; "eigh" stands for "a" as in "neigh"; "tte" stands for "t" as in "gusitte," and "eau" stands for "o" as in "beau." Put them together and you have "P-O-T-A-T-O."

Easy, isn't it?

SPINSTERS

"Helen," said the teacher, "can you tell me what a 'myth' is?" "Yeth, ma'am," lisped Helen; "it ith a woman that hath not got any huthband."

WILLIS--"Going to the party?"

GILLIS--"No. I haven't any lady."

WILLIS--"Come with me. I've got two extras."

GILLIS--"Who are they?"

WILLIS--"Miss Oldbud and Miss Passe."

GILLIS--"They're not extras. They're early editions."

"I'm glad Billy had the sense to marry an old maid," said grandma at the wedding.

"Why, grandma?" asked the son.

"Well, gals is highty-tighty, and widders is kinder overrulin' and upsettin'. But old maids is thankful and willin' to please."

CHARLES--"Girls wish they were men."

HERBERT--"Why do you say that?"

"Because spinsters like to call themselves 'bachelor girls,' but no bachelor ever calls himself an 'old-maid man.'"

There is nothing like a good definition, as the teacher thought when he explained the meaning of "old maid," as a woman who had been made a long time.

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