STREET-CARS

A very pretty but extremely slender girl entered a street car and managed to seat herself in a narrow space between two men. Presently a portly colored mammy entered the car, and the pretty miss, thinking to humiliate the men for lack of gallantry, arose.

"Aunty," she said, with a wave of her hand toward the place she had just vacated, "take my seat."

"Thank you, missy," replied the colored woman, smiling broadly, "but which gen'man's lap was you sittin' on?"

"Madam," said the man in the street-car, "I know I ought to get up and give you my seat, but unfortunately I've recently joined the Sit Still Club."

"That's all right, sir," replied the woman. "And you must excuse me for staring at you so hard: I am a member of the Stand and Stare Club."

She proved herself so active and conscientious a member that the man began to feel uncomfortable under her gaze. Finally he rose and said: "Take my seat, madam; I guess I'll resign from my club and join yours."

STRIKES

TEACHER--"Now, if I paid one man two dollars a day for seven days, another three dollars and fifty cents for ten days, and another four dollars and seventy-five cents for six days--"

REDDY BACKROW (whose father belongs to the union)--"You'd have the durndest strike on your hands you ever saw, teacher."

  "Everybody's striking,"     Said the Old Clock on the shelf;   "It seems to be the fashion.     So I think I'll strike myself.

  "But striking is my business--     Did you ever see such luck   I'll have to give up striking     Just to show folks that I've struck!"

THE LADY-"So you're really one of the strikers?"

THE LOAFER-"Yus, lidy. I'm wot they call one o' the pioneers o' the movement. I went on strike twenty-three years ago, lidy, and I ain't never give in yet."

A strike is not a "brake on industry." It's a displaced switch.

THE FATHER--"But have you enough money to marry my daughter?"

THE SUITOR--"Well, sir, at the moment I only get 300 francs a month, but by going on strike every other month for higher wages, I shall be getting 1,000 francs by the end of the year."

EMPLOYER--"There's a spirit of unrest among my men."

VISITOR--"What about?"

EMPLOYER--"Because they can not find any excuse to go out on a strike."--_Judge_.

SUBSTITUTES

Speaking of substitutes for gasoline, there is the street-car ticket.

"Neurasthenia," said Mrs. Biggums to her cook, "I think we will have some chicken croquettes today out of that leftover pork and calves' liver."

"Yes'm," said Neurasthenia, called Teeny for short. "An' we got a little bread dressin' what went wid the pork, mum. Shall I make some apple sauce out'n hit, mum?"

A very pretty young woman had been asked to dinner by the mother of a young man who admired her very much.

While waiting for dinner to be announced the four-year-old niece of the young man came into the room and climbed into the lap of her uncle, of whom she seemed very fond.

The young lady said coaxingly: "Come, Mary, give me a kiss"; but the child hid her face on her uncle's arm. The young woman urged the child to come to her, saying again: "Won't you give me a kiss?"

The little girl said: "No, I don't want to." Then she brightened up and said: "Uncle Fred, you do it."

"Your honor," said the prosecuting attorney, "your bull pup has went and chawed up the court Bible."

"Well," grumbled the Court, "make the witness kiss the pup; we can't adjourn court to get a new Bible."

MR. NEWLYWED--"Did you sew the button on my coat, darling?"

MRS. NEWLYWED--"No, love; I couldn't find the button, and so I just sewed up the buttonhole."--_Judge_.

TOURIST (in village notion-store)--"Whaddya got in the shape of automobile-tires?"

SALESLADY--"Funeral wreaths, life-preservers, invalid cushions, and doughnuts."--_Judge_.

SUBURBS

"Pa, what is a suburb, anyhow?"

"A place which has lost the joy of the country and lacks the feverish delight of the city."

SUBWAYS

"There's no danger in riding in these subways, is there?"

"I should say so. The last time I tried them I found myself in Brooklyn."

FIRST SUBWAY DIRECTOR--"We may have to provide more seats."

SECOND SUBWAY DIRECTOR-"Nonsense! Simply have 'The Star-Spangled Banner' played on all cars."--_Life_.

SUCCESS

Success in any line is no more an accident than the ball player's batting average is a streak of luck. It is putting the right hits in the right place and keeping the good work up--it's head work.

             _He Must Dig_

  He wanted a job, and, like every one else,     He wanted a good one, you know;   Where his clothes would not soil and his hands would keep clean,     And the salary must'nt be low.   He asked for a pen; but they gave him a spade,     And he half turned away with a shrug.   But he altered his mind, and seizing the spade--he dug.

  He worked with a will that is bound to succeed,     And the months and the years went along.   The way it was rough and the labor was hard,     But his heart he kept filled with a song.   Some jeered him and sneered at the task; but he plugged     Just as hard as he ever could plug;   Their words never seemed to disturb him a bit--as he dug.

  The day came at last when they called for the spade,     And gave him a pen in its place.   The joy of achievement was sweet to his taste,     And victory shone in his face.   We can't always get what we hope for at first--     Success cuts many queer jigs--   But one thing is sure, a boy will succeed--if he digs.

  --_Pleasant Hours_.

There is no open door to the Temple of Success. Every man who enters forges his own key and cannot effect an entrance for anyone else. Not even his own children can pass this door. Remember that the key that will unlock your greatest opportunities must be forged by yourself. No outside Power, no help from friends or relations can do as much for you as you can do for yourself.

  It's doing your job the best you can   And being just to your fellowman;   It's making money, but holding friends,   And staying true to your aims and ends;   It's figuring how and learning why,   And looking forward and thinking high,   And dreaming a little and doing much;   It's always keeping in closest touch,   With what is finest in word and deed;   It's being thorough, yet making speed;   It's struggling on with a will to win,   But taking loss with a cheerful grin;   It's sharing sorrow and work and mirth   And making better this good old earth;   It's serving, striving through strain and stress,   It's doing your noblest--that's Success.

_Six Suggestions for Success_

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievement of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times, and to have a smile for every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you will have no time to criticize others.

To be too big for worry, too noble for anger and too strong for fear.

To think well of your self and to proclaim this fact to the world--not in loud words, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

The world knows but little of failures, and cares less. The world only watches the successes.

Stop worrying over things that can't be helped and go and do things that can be done.

Few people care a continental for your failure. Few, if any, will help.

You may sit and magnify your mistakes, mourn and go mad over your blunders, but men will only smile that cynical smile and say of you, "He's no good."

Self-pity, sympathy soliciting, wishing and wailing will only let you down lower. Brace up. Brush up. Think up. And you will get up. Think down. Look down. Act down. And you will stay down.

Paint your face with a smile. Advertise that you are a success. Then think and work for it.

Whatever you think you are is the price they will pay.

In every contest of life, remember the shell must fit the gun.

             _It Couldn't Be Done_

  Somebody said that it couldn't be done,     But he with a chuckle replied   That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one     Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried.   So he buckled right in, with a trace of a grin     On his face. If he worried he hid it.   He started to sing as he tackled the thing     That couldn't be done--and he did it.

  Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that--     At least, no one ever has done it";   But he took off his coat, and he took off his hat,     And the first thing we knew he'd begun it.   With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,     Without any doubting or quiddit,   He started to sing as he tackled the thing     That couldn't be done--and he did it.

  There are thousands who'll tell you it cannot be done,     There are thousands who prophecy failure;   There are thousands to point out to you, one by one,     The dangers that wait to assail you.   But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,     Then take off your coat and go to it.   Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing     That "cannot be done"--and you'll do it.

  --_Edgar A. Guest_.

A sea captain was talking about the English admiral, Lord Fisher.

"I once asked Lord Fisher," he said, "what he attributed his rapid rise to.

"'To power of initiative,' Lord Fisher answered promptly.

"'Power of initiative, my lord?' And I scratched my head. 'How would you define power of initiative?"

"'Disobeying orders,' said Lord Fisher."

It has been well said if you are doing anything exceptionally well, "though you build your home in the heart of the forest the world will make a beaten track to your door."

  While you are flirting with success   And making plans to nab it,   Some other chap, who fusses less,   May rush right up and grab it.

The two keys to success are luck and pluck--luck in finding some one to pluck.--_Life_.

"The road to success is apt to be a long, hard one, my boy."

"Are there no short cuts, father?"

"Yes, my son. Our penitentiaries are full of men who took the short cuts."

"How is your little brother, Johnny?"

"Sick abed. He hurt himself."

"That's too bad. How did he do it?"

"We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won."

_See also_ Determination.

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